As the title implies, this week has been equal parts rough and good. The rough part was not getting out again. R and I both have a cold, so I was hesitant to go to baby storytime. She made the decision for us by having a rough naptime and then not waking up until it was too late to go. We didn’t really make it out of the house much together until yesterday.
Being cooped up was made worse by my mood. Out of nowhere I started feeling bad again about not working. I know that what I’m doing is just as important, and just as financially helpful, and most days I really feel that way. On the other hand, I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling like my work should make me money, get me a paycheck and benefits, and after many years of just squeaking by being under-employed or self-employed that feeling has taken a toll. Add to that the fact that my graduate degree has been pretty much 100% useless in getting me a decent job and I feel pretty bad about my efforts of the last 7 years. I also miss the daily interaction with co-workers or fellow students I had prior to finishing grad school. I need social time to be happy and that has been lacking during my days.
On the other hand, being a dad is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. I feel more accomplished at this than at any job I’ve ever had and the happiness I get from seeing her learn new things, play, and smile at me is unmatched by anything but my wedding day. It is rewarding in ways that no job ever could be and most days I’m really happy I’m home with her. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to combat this feeling of needing a paycheck and having a job. What I came up with is developing new skills. I’m working really hard to get my side of the garage in order so I can set up my woodshop. My dad gave me the basis of a decent one with his old tablesaw and chopsaw. Add my hand tools, circular saw, air compressor, nailgun, and a couple other power tools I’ve picked up at yard sales and such and I can make quite a bit out there in the garage. I’m planning to build a couple bookshelves, one for R and one to replace the decades old shelf my dad built for my childhood home that has, over 25 or so years, started to come apart. I have a pretty extensive collection of books and I really don’t want the shelf to collapse and potentially damage them.
I’m also trying to figure out how I could take another winemaking class at South Seattle College. I’m feeling more and more like I want to go back to the wine industry when I go back to work, so working through their certificate program and then doing WSU’s distance program would be really helpful in finding a job. Plus, it would help me make better wine at home, something I really love doing. I could also start drawing and painting again. I found out the community center nearby has a pottery studio and I’d like to start using that. There are a lot of options to fill the spare time I have – perhaps too many. I just need to pick one and start doing it.
Now to the good parts of the week. Obviously having my dad here Monday morning was pretty great. Wednesday night there was another Sounders game, this one the knockout round for the playoffs. I took my friend Brett with me and we watched the team finally beat LA! It was an awesome game, probably the best I’ve seen all season, and I left feeling pretty good.
Thursday morning I went down to Fremont for a morning appointment and decided to try and experiment. I took the baby carrier with me and when I was done with my appointment I put R on and wore her. It was naptime just then and my hope was she would fall asleep in the carrier and I could do something for myself. And she did! It was pretty wonderful. I went to Pie and enjoyed a breakfast pie and cup of coffee without having to entertain R the whole time. It was probably the most relaxing morning I’ve had in weeks. I had hoped to swing by the bookstore to get the sequel to the book I’ve been reading, but unfortunately they weren’t open yet after I finished my time at Pie. R was just waking up and though she looked pretty chill I was hesitant to hang around the neighborhood too long in case she had a breakdown. Biking with a screaming baby did not sound appealing.
That afternoon I had lined up a babysitter, the idea being to go to a boardgame convention I registered for, but the cold was really getting me, so I opted in stead to lie in bed and read. I finished my book and got some good rest in. By evening I was ready to press wine with David and Jamie. We managed to get everything done in about 2.5 hours, and it would have been faster if we had realized sooner that the ratchet system needed to be cleaned up to work properly. Once we did that we flew through the rest of the grapes. It was a fun evening and really nice to be social with friends.
Today has started pretty well as well. R was happy in her crib a bit longer than usual and when she did start making noises for me she calmed right down when I picked her up. She played for a bit and then it was breakfast time. We missed Kindermusik because she clearly needed her nap before we could leave. Plus, she’s still sniffling and sneezing and I was worried about getting the little 3 or 4 month old in the class sick. We’ll do a make-up next week I hope and still get our Kindermusic time in. I’m planning to bike to the library to pick up a book on hold and pick up some coffee beans while we’re out. If we have time I’ll head to the frame shop with the photos of R we’ve been meaning to frame for months now. Sometimes even errands help the day feel better. Tonight I’ll head to the East Side for the convention and I think the day will end pretty well.
I’m looking forward to the weekend. The convention continues through Sunday and Sunday night the Sounders are in the semi-finals. I’m taking my friend Kat and she’s always a fun companion for the games.